


says he hates me, but what can he do?

by Kealpos



Series: Author's Favorites [3]
Category: Scott Pilgrim - All Media Types
Genre: Halloween Costumes, M/M, Pre-Slash, Sexy Harry Potter, i mean its a. costume. its not actually sexy harry potter the character, i wrote this in literally an hour and now its midnight goodnight, this is a joke fic. goodbye.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23679475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kealpos/pseuds/Kealpos
Summary: WALLACE WELLS IS DRESSED UP AS SEXY HARRY POTTERand it is NOT Scott's fault!
Relationships: Scott Pilgrim/Wallace Wells
Series: Author's Favorites [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033281
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	says he hates me, but what can he do?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jetpacks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetpacks/gifts).



> the title is. from [the uptown funk harry potter parody.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbdvogFyZZM) and i hate this and also its midnight i only wrote it to antagonize kieran sorry ill write a better sp thing to make up for it

“I hate you. I hate you so much. If your life had a face I would punch it in the throat,” Scott mutters, using one hand to try and hide his face from curious on-lookers. Wallace just looks terribly bemused, twirling his wand between his fingers in one hand, the other placed firmly on his hip.

“Listen, we could’ve gotten you all sexified too, guy. Don’t hate the player,” Wallace replies. He has a shit-eating grin on that clues Scott into the fact that he is being completely insincere in any sympathy he might be giving and Scott literally _hates him._

Or, to be more succinct: **WALLACE WELLS IS DRESSED UP AS SEXY HARRY POTTER.**

It was Julie’s party, and because he is just as much as friends with her as Scott is (aka, not at all, just coming to her party because there’s nothing else to do and he knows someone else who’s going to Julie’s party (Stephen and Kim)) technically, Wallace has every right to dress up as whatever he wants. That’s the beauty of Halloween, Scott supposes? It would be a lot more beautiful if Wallace were dressed as LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE!!!!

When Scott heard about the party, he brought it up to Wallace once tentatively. It had been nearly a year since the whole E-N-V-Y debacle, and both of them were itching to move on. Scott hadn’t been to a party in like, forever, and Wallace usually felt bad leaving Scott alone to go to a thing so _he_ hadn’t been to a party in like, forever, and they both knew (even if they didn’t want to admit it) that a lot of their progress would be lost around New Years.

The point is, when Scott first mentioned a party, Wallace was _ecstatic._ He said _we have to start planning our costumes now, Pilgrim,_ and Scott went back to sleep mumbling something about how he’d “just be Harry Potter or something.” Scott read the first Harry Potter book once in High School, but that was more of Lisa’s deal, and he hadn’t seen Lisa in a long time. He figured it would just be crappy and nerdy enough to be expected out of him, and he’d do the social interaction, which Wallace kept telling him he needed more of. Voila, costume plans complete.

Therefore, it is NOT Scott’s fault that Wallace was terrible.

Scott wants to faceplant into his cup of root beer. “You’re terrible,” he tells Wallace. Completely unfair, completely unoriginal, how dare he steal Scott’s costume idea. Scott had also forgotten to ask what Wallace’s costume would be, so when on the morning of Halloween rolled around and Wallace said they were going to the party, Scott shrugged and bundled up some dress clothes and bought a crappy striped tie from the costume store where he got a very disapproving look. He even bought glasses from The Canadian Equivalent of Walmart (Yes that was its real name)!

About an hour later, after fetching his stuff, he came home, and there was something even more terrifying than Scott had ever thought of on his bed. It had been Wallace.

“You could’ve been Hermione,” Wallace coos.

Wallace Wells is dressed as Sexy Harry Potter. He has a pair of thigh-high black socks on, with black sneakers. The socks cut off just enough to give a (and please never force Scott to admit this again) tantalizingly small view of his skin before the shorts get it the way. They are _booty shorts._ They are _Lara Croft shorts._ This is completely unfair.

Wallace is wearing a shirt due to the October chill, but that’s of little assurance because it is a white dress shirt, and he has it unbuttoned so low, Scott can see his navel. There is black hair there. Scott does _not_ want to think about that. Scott doesn’t even know why he wore the shirt if he was just going to unbutton it like that. He is wearing a cape while insisting it’s a robe (it’s not) and there is a tie. Have you ever read those stories where it’s all like, “I grabbed his tie and pulled him in for a deep kiss, and then we had oodles and oodles of steamy heterosexual sex”? Well, Wallace’s tie is inexplicably making him think of that.

He also has a scarf, but that’s neither here nor there because he only brought it because Wallace figured it was going to get cold, and also Scott is currently wearing it. “To cover up that disgrace of a tie,” Wallace said.

Wallace even has a wand and a lightning scar drawn carefully on his face. He just doesn’t have the glasses. _Scott_ does, so, ha!

“I would not have been Hermione,” Scott hisses, and ties- Tries! Tries to stop thinking about Wallace’s outfit. “Especially not to your Harry. Hermione is a classy girl. I think. I haven’t read them in forever.”

Wallace smiles at him and Scott buries his face even more into his drink. “That’s cute,” he says, raising an eyebrow. “When’d you read them again? I forgot you actually read sometimes.”

“I read sometimes!” Upon realizing that’s what Wallace just said, Scott frowns. Wallace is _distracting._ “It’s been a while.”

His friend stretches back, and his shorts ride up even more _oh my GOD, Wallace._ Scott covers up the ungodly noise he makes by surreptitiously sipping at his solo cup. “To be fair, it’s been a while since I read them as well,” Wallace concedes, giving him a scrutinizing glance. Then, Wallace shrugs, reaching out and readjusting Scott’s scarf. It keeps falling out of place, and while Scott doesn’t mind much, he knows Wallace does. Scott watches Wallace’s hands in a very non-creepy, not-gay way as he does. “Hey, I’m going to go get myself a drink. You want anything? Also, where did you get those glasses? They’re fakes, right?”

“Um,” he says intelligently. Then, his brain ricochets back into his body and he continues, “Yes! Something sweet. And alcoholic! And I got them at The Canadian Equivalent of Walmart (again, that’s the real name) and they’re some stupid prescription I’ve already forgotten.”

“Ah.” Wallace rocks back, apparently satisfied with his work. He grins playfully at Scott, before asking, “Thought you didn’t drink.” Scott has probably heard this a million times, but Wallace is the only one that can say it and still seem cute afterward. On anyone else, it’s just annoying. “But yeah, alright guy. I’ll get you something special, from your dearest darling Wallace! Oh, and yoink!” In a blink of an eye, he snatches the glasses off of Scott’s face and onto his own. He actually says the word 'yoink.' “Can’t go up to the bar without my special Harry Potter glasses! They won’t know who I am! Besides, you’ll get headaches.”

Scott sputters, face unexplainably flushing red, probably out of anger. Hopefully out of anger? “Well, then who am I supposed to be?”

Wallace grins like the cat who got the canary, his eyes wide and bright and twinkling. They’re nothing like Harry Potter’s. (Is it cheesy to say they look magical all the same? Super cheesy, right?) “Well, you can’t be Harry, and you can’t be Hermione. You can be Ron. You have the hair for it.” And then he twirls off into the rest of the party, his cape trailing behind him. Scott is indignant.

He does NOT have the hair for it! Scott is not a redhead. He is auburn at BEST.

“It’s a shame,” a voice says next to him, and Scott jumps to face an actual redhead: Kim Pines, dressed in a unicorn onesie, though Scott is 89% sure it’s ironic, holding a beer and staring out after Wallace. She looks up at him and raises an eyebrow conspiratorially. “The cape totally covers his ass, which isn’t really the point of those shorts.”

Scott is left sputtering for the second time that evening, and his face is absolutely as red as a fire truck. “What?” Kim says in that flat tone of hers. “I’m gay, not dead. Besides, Ron and Harry should’ve ended up together anyway.” She drifts away like a ghost and Scott is left in the dust, protesting. He hasn’t read the books in _years._ That was more of _Lisa’s thing._

Scott hates Wallace Wells, Harry Potter, and he particularly hates Halloween. Halloween sucks, he’s decided. Wallace comes back with the drinks, and Scott eyes his striped tie again. He hates ties, too. “Wallace,” he says after a long, slow drink of his alcohol to hopefully blame his blush on his drunkness. “If your face had a face, I would punch it in the balls.”

“Even after I got you a drink you wouldn’t think is gross. Really feeling the love here, Won-Won,” Wallace replies archly, but there is a definite edge of fondness in his tone. He edges closer and throws an arm around Scott’s shoulders, slotting in perfectly to his side. “Happy Halloween, Scott,” he says, and it’s embarrassing and loud and smelly at whatever place Julie is hosting her party at, and Scott’s still annoyed Wallace dressed like that, but Wallace’s leg presses against Scott’s and his smiles are warm and sincere.

It’s the best Halloween ever. Even if he still hates Wallace for dressing up like that. It’s still the best.

**Author's Note:**

> gags i hate gay people so much its unreal.  
> i dont want to give you my tumblr.


End file.
